Curtis Almighty
by ScribbleDibble
Summary: Curtis, Hawk, Sparky, 277, and Gummies get transported into the world of FD. Includes parodies of Dude, Where's My Car, American Pie, Scream, Dumb and Dumber, and more!
1. Part 1: I Love New York

INT. AIRPORT WAITING ROOM - NIGHT  
  
Sitting on the padded chair in the waiting room were two girls, reading magazines and crunching down SpongeToffee Surprise. BREE is the smaller one, full of freckles, auburn hair not quite past her shoulders, with distinctive turtle earrings, loud-colored T-shirt, and annoyingly loud Michelle Branch bursting through her headphones.  
  
To the left, KYLAH has smaller build, good two-inches shorter than her companion, yet a year older. They both appear to have the same personality, at least from their taste in fashion. This sports purple hand-painted pants and a black T that reads "Where in time is Carmen Sandiego?"  
  
KYLAH: I've got to hand it to you. You sure picked a great vacation spot!  
  
BREE: Thanks, Kylah! Who would have thought that I would have enough money to travel to New York AND Paris? After all, I have no job, my siblings are in university and my parents don't exactly spoil me rotten!  
  
KYLAH: I don't know, Bree. Must have been God's way of setting it up so little explanation was required for the set-up to this poor-plotted story.  
  
BREE: Religion is great. Jesus is born, I get presents. Jesus dies, I get chocolate.  
  
KYLAH: Hmm. Never thought of it that way!  
  
BREE: You must have been too busy wondering why I didn't bring any other friends on this trip. It's been bugging me!  
  
ENTER ALEX'S FRENCH CLASS AND THE UNFORGETABLE MR. MURNEAU!  
  
MR. MURNEAU: Les etudients! Attender s'il vous plait!  
  
CUT TO: BREE+KYLAH'S POV - ALEX AND TOD  
  
BREE: Holy shit! Devon Sawa's on this flight!  
  
KYLAH: (suspicious) With Chad Donella? In the same obnoxious grey shirt? I hate to alarm you, but it looks like we've wandered into the world of Final Destination!  
  
BREE: No shit! There's Amanda Detmer and Kristen Cloke! Omigod--it's Seann Scott! Seann! Over here, Seann!  
  
Billy/Seann continues to walk around and not even glance at them.  
  
BREE: (trying again) Billy!  
  
Sure enough, the boy turns around. Unfortunately, Bree can't think of anything to say. He looks at them strangely and turns back around.  
  
KYLAH: (reasonable--for once) Let's recap. We're in a movie, the actors... aren't actors, we're about to be forced onto a plane that's going to explode, and my diskman batteries are dead. What could have caused this?  
  
BEAT - they think.  
  
BREE: Maybe it was my homemade pixie sticks. I kind of don't remember much after eating them.  
  
KYLAH: I always told you never to mix pixie sticks with Kool-Aid crystals! I told you! You've toyed with God! You've sent us to an early grave!  
  
She begins choking Bree.  
  
VOICE: (o.s.) Excuse me?  
  
They turn to the voice. Reveal TINA, a tall young woman, mid-twenties. Her hair is dark blue and black. Her chocolate brown eyes are framed by funky glasses.  
  
TINA: You looked as freaked out as I am. You must not be in the movie.  
  
BREE (stands up): You too? You know we're living in a movie? Please don't tell me you mixed Pixie Sticks and Kool-Aid crystals!  
  
TINA: (sheepish) I was curious.  
  
BREE: Well, we'll be here for awhile. I'm Bree.  
  
TINA: Tina.  
  
BREE: Hmmmm. This is a long shot, but I'm really sick of writing, so I'll make it fast--are you LC277?  
  
TINA: Yup. I guess if your name is Bree, you must be ScribbleDibble.  
  
BREE: How'd you figure that out so fast?  
  
TINA: I've seen pics on your site.  
  
BREE: Finally, someone goes there!  
  
TINA: Cool ass! I'm finally meeting ScribbleDibble!  
  
BREE: Nice to meet you, but if we're gonna use nicknames, call me Curtis. This goes for anyone who comes into contact with me as well.  
  
TINA: Why?  
  
BREE: (whining oh-so-annoyingly) Because ScribbleDibble is too long a name! It makes my tongue hurt. Plus, the author is forced to press the SHIFT button twice which isn't exactly easy to remember to do when not preceeded by a space. Oh, and did I mention that I'm making a vain attempt to put Dharke in good spirits because she has the potential to be a serial killer?  
  
TINA: Something always hinted to it, yes. (Beat, she looks over Bree's shoulder.)Who's that? ('that' meaning Kylah.)  
  
BREE: That's Kylah. She's an author friend of mine.  
  
TINA: From ff.net?  
  
BREE: No, from the one-horse town where I live.  
  
Kylah looks up, suddenly choking on tears.  
  
KYLAH: Fanfiction.net broke my heart! Now my only material friend is this jar of jet-puffed marshmallow cream!  
  
Uncomfortable Beat.  
  
TINA: You know what I've always wanted to do?  
  
BREE AND KYLAH: What?  
  
Beat - close in on Tina's diabolically mischevious grin.  
  
CUT TO - INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT  
  
Tod and Alex leave the stalls. The three girls' feet dangle awkwardly below a stall door. The guys don't notice.  
  
Alex and Tod, for reasons unknown, TAKE OFF THIER SHIRTS.  
  
TOD: Dude, you have a tattoo!  
  
ALEX: Dude, you too!  
  
TOD: Really? What does it say?  
  
ALEX: 'Sweet!' What does mine say?  
  
TOD: 'Dead Man!' What about mine?  
  
ALEX: 'Sweet!' What about mine!  
  
TOD: 'Deeeeaaaad Maaaaan.' What does mine say?  
  
ALEX: 'Sah-weeeet!' What about my tattoo!  
  
TOD: 'Dead-fuckin-man!'  
  
ALEX: Sweet!  
  
TOD: Dead man!  
  
P.A.: (v.o.) Ladies and gentlemen, we are about to commense pre-boarding Volée Air Flight 180 to Paris!  
  
CUT TO: INT. AIRPORT - NIGHT  
  
KYLAH: Well that was a waste, now all we know is that Alex and Tod have crappy tattoos.  
  
No one pays attention.  
  
Enter RACHEL, chestnut shoulder-length hair, about the same height as Bree. She has a backpack on her shoulders and is weilding a board with a nail in it. Her shirt says "Dharke - Yes, THAT Dharke. What are you looking at?" She speaks with a Brittish accent. Obnoxiously loud Eminem comes from her headphones.  
  
RACHEL: Where's Clear Rivers?  
  
Beat... they point somewhere.  
  
RACHEL: Heh heh... I am so diabolically evil!  
  
They think... then they realize...  
  
TINA: You're Dharke, aren't you?  
  
Rachel is suddenly suspicious.  
  
RACHEL: Uh... yeah... and?  
  
TINA: Well, let's not make this long and draggy so that a certain someone doesn't have to type out pages beyond pages of this crappy story. I'm Tina, but you know me as 277.  
  
RACHEL: Really? 277? From fanfiction? You really use the nickname I gave you? Uh, I mean, it's really you? (Beat) Who are these two clowns?  
  
TINA: THe midget is Kylah...  
  
KYLAH: Hey!!  
  
TINA: And the one with the mole is Curtis.  
  
BREE: That's Bree to Hawk over here. And it's just a birthmark with hair.  
  
EVERYONE: Ewwwwww...  
  
Beat, Rachel gets an idea... She reaches her finger out, pointing at Bree's face...  
  
RACHEL: Moley moley moley moley moley!  
  
BREE (Whacks Rachel's hand away): Stop that! Do you know how often I get that?  
  
KYLAH: Hey, we've got to work together if we want to rub elbows with these great characters.  
  
RACHEL: Great characters? Alex laughs like Butthead from 'Beavis and Butthead' and has a fat nose! Tod has a really obnoxious haircut and sweater! Clear's teeth need their own area code! Billy's jaw is so incredibly mis-shaped it isn't funny!  
  
BREE (mutters): Take it back...  
  
RACHEL (cont'd): Carter and Terry--er, well, they're the 'beautiful people,' but that doesn't mean I can't hate the rest!  
  
TINA: Whatever, Rachel, that doesn't mean we can't have a good time! Right, Sparky?  
  
They all looked to Tina's left to see JACKIE, or Sparky, height-wise somewhere between Kylah and Rachel. Chin-length wavy dark blonde hair, with small freckles on her nose.  
  
BREE: Sparky? Is it really you?  
  
JACKIE: Yep! Call me Jackie.  
  
They shake hands.  
  
RACHEL: Oh, great. I hope we don't get followed by the 'others.'  
  
JACKIE: You mean that crappy movie with Nicole Kidman?  
  
RACHEL: No, uh, I mean the ones that never review or update, like SoraKamia, or Raven612. Let this be a huge hint to them.  
  
JACKIE: If they show up, just ignore 'em. They can find happiness in the duty-free shop.  
  
TINA: How are WE gonna find happiness, going on an exploding plane?  
  
RACHEL: What am I, the answer man?  
  
JACKIE: Whatever. Let's just go and keep the plot rolling!  
  
CUT TO: INT. PLANE - ECONOMY CLASS CABIN  
  
The high school class is excited, chattering, whilst the five authoresses sit boredly. KYLAH fiddles with a rubix cube. RACHEL blows spit-balls at various obnoxious characters. JACKIE, TINA, and BREE are people-watching.  
  
Approaching their bank of seats are three good-looking guys, CHAD, BRENDAN, and DEVON--er, TOD, GEORGE, and ALEX, walking like idiots around the aisle. Alex spies Bree's cheek, holds his own hand as if fighting to point at her...  
  
ALEX: MOOOOOOOLE! BLOODY MOLE! WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK ABOUT THE MOLE BUT THERE'S A GIANT MOLE WINKING ME THERE IN THE FACE!  
  
BREE is obviously FUMING. She winds back her fist...  
  
TINA: Don't do it...  
  
Bree WHACKS Alex in the face, resulting in an aisle brawl. She and Alex roll on the ground for a few suggestive moments until they are removed from the aircraft, with Billy and Ms. Lewton shoved out as well. Tod follows.  
  
The remaining four look around, worried.  
  
JACKIE: What do we do now?  
  
TINA: Rachel, you'll have to take charge here.  
  
RACHEL: Got it! (Beat, she prepares.) Okay... (suddenly loud) THIS PLANE'S GONNA EXPLODE!  
  
CARTER and TERRY BOLT UP  
  
CARTER: Shut up, uh... whatever your last name is.  
  
RACHEL (whispering): Thompson.  
  
CARTER: Haha! Thompson! Choo-choo!  
  
TERRY (ignoring Carter): You're so not funny.  
  
CARTER: Thompson! Thompson! Choo-choo!  
  
TERRY: Ahem, Carter, I believe you're supposed to beat up on any character who has an independant thought...  
  
CARTER (glances momentarily at Rachel) Don't be stupid, Ter, I'm not gonna hit a girl!  
  
TERRY: You hit me yesterday.  
  
CARTER (nervous chuckle) (patronizing kiddie voice): She doesn't know what she's saying! She's so sweepy!  
  
RACHEL: Come on, Horton! This plane is going to explode! We're all gonna die and our faves are gonna melt off! Doesn't that irk you?  
  
CARTER: Not particularily comming from you, I don't even know you!  
  
RACHEL: Ugh... fine. My name is Rachel Caris Thompson--  
  
CARTER: Choo choo!  
  
RACHEL: I'm sixteen, I'm from England, I'm five foot five, this scar under my eye is from running into a shopping trolley, I consider myself laid back, and I'm just starting driving lessons. Good enough?  
  
CARTER: Yup! (Begins pummeling Rachel)  
  
They fight and are kicked off the plane. Terry, Tina, Jackie, and Kylah follow. Clear gets up and leaves.  
  
INT. AIRPORT - WAITING ROOM  
  
Ms. Lewton and Tod question Alex.  
  
MS. LEWTON: Alex, tell me what happened.  
  
ALEX: I... I saw it. And I don't know, it was so brown and hairy... I just had to poke it. It was so 3D and it just happened automatically!  
  
CARTER: We get thrown off the plane and blow, what, half a day in Paris all because Browning has to quote Austin Powers?  
  
CUT TO: Back of waiting room. Clear and the girls are sitting on the benches.  
  
CLEAR: You guys aren't in this class--who the hell are you?  
  
RACHEL: I'm your worst nightmare, Shivers, so I'd advise you to shut your hole.  
  
CLEAR: What? How dare you talk to me like that? I'm a passive starving artist who never gets payed attention to! And it's Rivers, not Shivers!  
  
RACHEL: I've had it up to here with you!  
  
Rachel maddingly produces an alluminum bat from her backpack.  
  
BREE: Where'dya get that?  
  
RACHEL: Wal-Mart.  
  
Rachel STRIKES Clear in the back of the head and she falls to the floor... she isn't done. She continues to hit Clear.  
  
Meanwhile, Alex and Carter get into a brawl and the plane blows up. What? Skimpy on the details? Well you've seen the movie! Use your imagination!  
  
All the while, Rachel is STILL BEATING CLEAR.  
  
RACHEL: WHY WON'T YOU DIE, DAMMIT?!  
  
BREE: She isn't even bleeding! Something must be wrong!  
  
KYLAH: Uh, the plane just blew up. It's not her turn to die!  
  
JACKIE (disgusted): And you two call yourselves obsessed.  
  
CUT TO: INT. AIRPORT - THAT CREEPY WHITE ROOM  
  
MS. LEWTON: Were there any survivors?  
  
ALEX: STOP ASKING ME THAT!! Rachel is the one who had the premonition!!  
  
They all look at Rachel, then back at Alex.  
  
BILLY: I'm not gonna hate a woman! That's sexist, dude!  
  
ALEX: But you hate Terry!  
  
Beat - Billy's thinking of an explanation.  
  
BILLY: Terry's rich and the head cheerleader. Lots of people are gonna hate her.  
  
ALEX: So why me? Why not suspect... Tod?  
  
They look at Tod, who is making that bleak puppy-dog-in-a-microwave face me makes as he grieves over George.  
  
MS. LEWTON: His brother just died! We can't suspect him! He's been through terrible hardships!  
  
TOD: Really? I can get away with anything? (beat) I'll be right back!  
  
He leaves.  
  
Bree cannot stand the silence any longer.  
  
BREE: This one time, at band camp, there was this kid named Stuart, and we were on a nature hike, a-and they said no one would get hurt but Stuart got hurt and he had to be sent home!  
  
BILLY: This all sounds familiar...  
  
BREE: And this one time, at nand camp, I stuck a tuba in my--  
  
TINA: ENOUGH!  
  
RACHEL: SAY NO MORE!  
  
JACKIE: YOU SICK FUCK!  
  
Tod enters once again, with a, armfull of t-shirts, watches, sunglasses, and other items one would buy at an airport kiosk.  
  
TOD: Check it out! I stole all this shit! And no one said anything 'cause they feel sorry for me!  
  
No one says anything.  
  
MS. LEWTON: So, are there any survivors?  
  
ALEX: SHUT UP! ASK HAWKIE OVER THERE!  
  
TOD: Alex, what will it take for you to just take the blame?  
  
ALEX: Uh... one of those I Love New York T-Shits  
  
TOD: Done.  
  
Tod tosses Alex a t-shirt.  
  
Beat  
  
ALEX: You're looking at me as if I caused this. 


	2. Part 2: The Odd Couple

Note: In case anyone was confused, Kylah IS an actual person, though it is quite hard to believe so. Her website adress is actually www.kylah.net, where you can find out more about her and see some of her art, which is amazing. Though it hasn't really been updated in a while.  
  
PART TWO  
  
Back in the creepy white room, the parents have arrived to console their young ones. The six girls have no one to comfort them.  
  
Kylah looks at the potted tree in the room. From her eyes, we can tell she's hallucinating.  
  
KYLAH(teary): Kelsey?  
  
(Kelsey is her 12-year-old sister whom she loves dearly. I do as well, but in a creepier way.)  
  
Kylah begins HUGGING the potted tree.  
  
TINA: Ah, fuckles, what are we gonna do for the night? We have no money left!  
  
CLEAR: Hey, I have an idea! I have a big empty house and I'm kinda lonely!  
  
They look at her strangely.  
  
JACKIE: Uh, didn't Rachel just attempt to beat you to death with a bat?  
  
CLEAR: I'm forgiving.  
  
TINA: Hey, I've been meaning to ask you. Are you eighteen, and the whole living alone thing happened recently, or were you just legally imancipated?  
  
CLEAR: Oh, I'm an orphan owned by New Line Cinema.  
  
TINA: But how did you get the money for the house?  
  
CLEAR: Prostitution.  
  
Tina nods.  
  
CLEAR: Anyway, you can stay with me as long as you like!  
  
RACHEL: No way! I'll sleep on the streets of Mount Aberham! Maybe I'll meet some nice drug dealers!  
  
She storms out of the airport. Not one second later, she comes running back screaming.  
  
RACHEL: There were opossums out there!  
  
CUT TO: EXT. MOUNT ABERHAM STREETS - THE BROWNING'S CAR  
  
Alex, Clear, and Tina ride in the back whilst the other four are huddled together on top of the car. Jackie is ready to fall off.  
  
CUT TO: INT. THE BROWNING'S CAR  
  
BARBARA: So, uh... Tina, how old did you say you were?  
  
TINA (nervously): Uh... seventeen?  
  
Beat - The parents are suspicious  
  
TINA: ... And a half?  
  
CUT TO: EXT. CLEAR'S HOUSE - DRIVEWAY  
  
CLEAR: Thank you for the ride.  
  
She gets out, followed by Tina. Jackie, Rachel, Bree, and Kylah jump awkwardly off the roof.  
  
RACHEL: That was fun!  
  
JACKIE: We got rained on.  
  
RACHEL: But I met some whicked cool bees!  
  
Pan out - Rachel is holding a nasty looking BEEHIVE.  
  
JACKIE: Put that down!  
  
RACHEL: They chose me!  
  
CUT TO: INT. CLEAR'S HOUSE - KITCHEN  
  
Clear puts down her backpack on the counter.  
  
CLEAR: You can sleed wherever you want.  
  
BREE: I call the fridge!  
  
KYLAH: I get the couch!  
  
TINA: I'll take the recliner!  
  
JACKIE: I'll sleep on the counter!  
  
Clear looks at Rachel, a glint of pitty in her eyes.  
  
CLEAR: I don't wanna make you sleep on the floor.  
  
RACHEL: I'm fine--  
  
CLEAR: No, I'll sleep on the floor. You can have my bed!  
  
RACHEL: I would prefer--  
  
CLEAR (Getting Angry): I insist--you're going to sleep in my bed, or I'll shove my foot in your ass!  
  
Close on Rachel - she is absoloutly terrified.  
  
CUT TO: INT. CLEAR'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT  
  
Rachel is lying underneeth the covers. Clear is tucking her in. She pulls the last corner down and tucks it so tightly that Rachel appears to be suffocating.  
  
CLEAR: Too tight?  
  
RACHEL: Uh... uh...  
  
CLEAR: Here.  
  
She unticks her slightly.  
  
CLEAR: Better?  
  
RACHEL: Yeah.  
  
CLEAR: Sweet dreams, Rachel. Nighty-night.  
  
She leans over and kisses Rachel on the forehead.  
  
RACHEL (Surprisingly calm): Clear? Do you have a bucket?  
  
CLEAR: Yeah, sure (Pulls out bucket from beneath the bed) How about that? I keep buckets under my bed!  
  
RACHEL: Thanks.  
  
Clear leaves.  
  
Rachel begins VOMITTING VIOLENTLY into the bucket.  
  
CUT TO: INT. CLEAR'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT  
  
Rachel tiptoes down the stairs, heading for the fridge.  
  
CLEAR: Hey.  
  
Jump! Haha, got you there! Clear is sitting on the counter, cradling a carton of Ben And Jerry's in her arms.  
  
RACHEL: Oh. I didn't know you were here.  
  
CLEAR: Well I am. Every now and then when I'm feeling low I like a little midnight snack.  
  
RACHEL: I guess so. It's been a crazy night.  
  
CLEAR: No doubt. Help yourself. I'm going lite tonight.  
  
Clear goes to the oven, puts on a mit, and pulls out a CHRISTMAS HAM. She picks at it with a fork and puts some in her mouth. She chews thuroughly for a moment.  
  
CLEAR: Hmm... needs more glaze.  
  
She coats more glaze on the nearly varnished ham. Rachel, greatly disturbed, opens the fridge. Inside, she sees jars of preserves. She reads the labels on them. We briefly see the labels of four jars: "Grandma's beats," "Grandma's jam," "Grandma's cranberry's," "Grandma."  
  
Rachel shrugs and takes the jam.  
  
CLEAR: So, it's just the two of us...  
  
She inches closer to Rachel on the counter.  
  
RACHEL (Worried): The others will hear me if I scream!  
  
CLEAR: Oh, Rachel, you're so tense, can I massage your shoulders?  
  
Rachel yelps and spray's Clear's eyes with Fabreeze. Clear jumps back.  
  
CLEAR: CHRIST IN A CRACKER! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?  
  
She continutes to stumble around the kitchen with her hands over her eyes. Rachel quickly exits, then comes right back to snatch the jar of jam. She leaves again. Clear hits her head on the hot oven door and falls to the floor.  
  
CLEAR: MOTHER OF GOD!  
  
CUT TO: INT. CLEAR'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY  
  
Middle-of-road alt. rock band, Bree's/Jackie's style, music that Kylah/Rachel probably cannot stand, plays in background. The gang eats cereal. Rachel has a book in front of her: 'SELF DEFENSE FOR DUMMIES.' Clear is not present.  
  
JACKIE: This place is weird.  
  
TINA: It's giving me the creeps.  
  
JACKIE: It smells like pee.  
  
TINA: I woke up next to a racoon.  
  
JACKIE: And I'm beginning to think Clear's pets aren't the ONLY ones who use her litter box.  
  
KYLAH: Oh, sorry.  
  
RACHEL: Try being in my shoes last night--the little beaver dyke totally came onto me!  
  
BREE: Didja return the favour? (Makes obscene licking motion teasingly at Rachel.)  
  
RACHEL: Eugh--no!  
  
KYLAH: Just tell her you're not ready for a relationship. She'll understand.  
  
RACHEL(sighs): Kylah, when I need advice about a good Seinfeld episode, or how to get the resin out of my bong, I'll call you. But I'm not about to take psychological advice from someone who cannot spell psychological, or advice... or bong.  
  
Enter Clear  
  
CLEAR: Geeooood morning, earthlings!  
  
Beat  
  
CLEAR: I mean, uh, girls.  
  
Tina clears her throat  
  
CLEAR: Women.  
  
Jackie brings her hand forward, motioning a point.  
  
CLEAR: Uh, hippies.  
  
Kylah raises her eyebrows as if saying 'what about me?'  
  
CLEAR: Warlocks... how's everyone doing?  
  
No one says anything. Rachel hides her face by her book.  
  
RACHEL(to self): If I can't see her, she can't see me!  
  
CLEAR: I'm up for a day of mourning followed by a relaxing evening at the movies. Who wants to come with?  
  
They think.  
  
JACKIE: Uh, Clear, we were kinda planning on doing our own things these next 39 days. You know, shop, drink coffee like yuppies, make fun of people, mourn, cheat death...  
  
CLEAR: What was that last one?  
  
JACKIE: Mourn.  
  
CLEAR: Well... if you must...  
  
CUT TO: INT. CLEAR'S HOUSE - FOYER - DAY  
  
The five authors are putting on their shoes. Rachel walks away from the foyer.  
  
RACHEL: I gotta go to the bathroom.  
  
She makes her way to the bathroom through Clear's kitchen. Clear stops her halfway.  
  
CLEAR: Rachel, I, uh... wanna talk about last night.  
  
RACHEL: Please don't come within a 10 foot radius of me.  
  
CLEAR: Look, I was delerious, and tired, and... uh... it won't happen again, mmkay?  
  
RACHEL: Uh...  
  
She looks at Clear, who is making such an incredibly pathetic face that she cannot refuse.  
  
RACHEL: Sure.  
  
Clear squeals like a girl in the 60s at a Beatles concert.  
  
CLEAR: Yay! I know we're just gonna be the best of friends!  
  
Rachel isn't very comforted by this...  
  
RACHEL: Oh... kay...  
  
MONTAGE: RACHEL AND CLEAR  
  
BG MUSIC: THE ODD COUPLE THEME  
  
(You know, the one that goes 'Ba-dap-ba-dap-ba-daaaaah, Bup-pa-dah Bup-pa-dahhhh dahhhhh.')  
  
-Rachel is brushing her teeth. Clear takes a HUGE ASS toothbrush to do hers and spits a HUGE wad of spit into the sink. She leaves. Rachel frantically washes her hands.  
  
-Everyone is digging into pieces of cake in the kitchen. Rachel looks content. She then looks at Clear, who licks her fingers and then, skipping washing her hands, picks up a whole bunch of cookies (each one individually) and dishes them out. Everyone, mainly Rachel, is revolted.  
  
-Clear reads Rachel to sleep with an Arthur book.  
  
-Clear, Rachel, and Kylah are lined up in the garage, painting. Kylah paints a chibbi version of Rachel. Clear paints an Andy Warhol-style portrait of Kylah. Rachel paints a picture of Clear with a knife in the side of her head.  
  
-Clear chases Rachel down the hall with a feather, a giggly look on her face. Rachel has a slightly more terrified look.  
  
-Rachel beats Clear with a hammer.  
  
END MONTAGE  
  
INT. CLEAR'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY  
  
Clear is wearing the black dress she wears to the service. Jackie emerges from the bathroom wearing a black outfit. Most of the others soon follows from other places wearing black clothes.  
  
CLEAR(Shouts up the stairs): Bree! The memorial service is in half an hour! Hurry up!  
  
Bree comes out wearing colourful rainbow clothes.  
  
BREE: You were outa black clothes so I took somethingh more my style.  
  
CLEAR: What are you doing in my gay pride parade clothes? 


	3. Part 3: Fight the Power, Furious D!

Cheers to Dharke, I am so happy I have driven you to suicide. How many household items have I caused you to break? Do you HAVE authority figures in your house or what? Your parents must be VERRRRY dissapointed. And to Sparky, yes, I Looooove Out Cold and Sugar and Spice (Luv my Mena! And that James Marsden. Rrrrow! My cyclops!) But where did I parody sugar and spice? I didn't, at least intentionally.  
  
Word to readers, Deven is Kylah's boyfriend. Her real one, not her imaginery one. Also, the end of this chapter reaches UNLIMITED absurdity, but, well, just keep in mind that Kylah takes any opportunity to play piano and sing, and she likes 'Chicago.' I think... well she likes playing that song.  
  
PART 3  
  
The girls make their way to their seats at the service.  
  
RACHEL: These 39 days were a lot more boring than I had imagined.  
  
CLEAR: What the fuck did you expect?  
  
Rachel's face suddenly breaks into a small, but heart-warming smile. We can faintly hear 'Waterloo' by Abba.  
  
RACHEL(Breaking the music): Heheheh. Kum-By-Ah.  
  
TINA: Sit down.  
  
They sit and the boring priest begins to talk.  
  
KYLAH(whispering dumbly): No one is making any sound.  
  
JACKIE(also whispering dumbly): I'm freaking out man.  
  
BREE(whispering dumbly): You know what would totally freak them out?  
  
Beat (What?)  
  
BREE: If we breathed really heavily.  
  
The three "stoners" breathe heavilly.  
  
RACHEL(To Tina): What are they talking about?  
  
TINA: Don't know. I'm not fluent in Freaka.  
  
CLEAR: Quiet you grotty little wankers.  
  
The three sit in silence while the other three get freaky (No, not that way, Rachel, you sick minded bastad) in the background. Bree picks up Clear's purse and smells it.  
  
BREE: Kylah! Kylah! This thing smells like the staircases at school! Take a whiff!  
  
KYLAH: Woah! (she smells inside the bag) ... Shiiiiiiitttttt.  
  
JACKIE: Pass some of that this way. (Takes a whiff) You know, man, I think I figured out why we die.  
  
BREE: Omigod, me too--  
  
JACKIE: No, wait, let me finish. We die, because we accept it, man.  
  
BREE: Mind-blowing. Kylah, what do you think?  
  
Kylah is sitting still, mouth agape. Her eyes, however, are a twirling mount of colours and swirls, shiny with the fine texture of a ribbon. We hear that stupid song, "Insence and Peppermints" by Strawberry Alarm Clock.  
  
Kylah blinks. CUT TO UNKNOWN POV - Back of Kylah's head. She slowly rises from her seat and dashes to the podium. She begins hugging it.  
  
KYLAH: Deven! Deven, honey, I knew you would come back to me! Never leave me again!  
  
She begins kissing the podium and doing some pelvic thrusting.  
  
KYLAH: I've missed you so...  
  
Close in on Clear, who is humiliated. She runs up to the podium and yanks Kylah off. Kylah reaches her hands out to the podium as she is being dragged out of the courtyard.  
  
KYLAH: FIGHT THE POWER, FURIOUS D! THEY'RE PLAYING OUR SONG! (Singing) Time! Where did you go? Why did you leave me here alone? Where in time is Carmen Sandiego? Solve this crime, and solve this mystery. Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo. Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo!  
  
CUT TO: INT. CLEAR'S CAR - EVENING  
  
CLEAR: You made fools out of yourselves in front of all of Mount Aberham.  
  
BREE: Technically, it was only Chibbi over here. We behaved.  
  
Jackie suddenly peeks up from the floor, holding Clear's purse.  
  
JACKIE: Duuude, do you have anymore purse?  
  
CLEAR: You guys should be very ashamed.  
  
KYLAH: You know what, you're right. I feel like afflicting the punishment on my own body. Let's go to Denny's.  
  
TINA: Wait!  
  
She suddenly knocks Clear out with a brick and takes over the driving. She does a quick turnaround.  
  
RACHEL: What are you doing?  
  
TINA: We let Brendan Fehr die. We are NOT going to let Chad Donnella die!  
  
RACHEL: His name is Tod.  
  
TINA: Whatever. We have to get to his house and save him from his demise!  
  
JACKIE: Better hurry up.  
  
BREE: If we're too late, well, I've always wanted to play Weekend at Bernie's with someone.  
  
The car suddenly sputters and smoke comes out of the hood. A light flashes on the dashboard: SERIOUS PROBLEM.  
  
TINA: Oh, shit. What do we do?  
  
A second light: CONSULT CORONER  
  
Tina GASSES the car as fast as it will go. It makes a funny sound. A third light appears: GAS WON'T HELP YOU  
  
The car skids to a stop.  
  
TINA: NOOOOOOO!  
  
She sighs heavilly and bangs her head on the steering wheel. A third light: YOU KIDS ARE THE DUMBEST I'VE SEEN SINCE 'SCREAM.'  
  
Rachel GRABS Tina by the collar.  
  
RACHEL: Pull yourself together man! Do we really need to save that skinny little plank? What will it--  
  
Beat - An idea!  
  
Rachel hops out of the car, pumping her legs as fast as they'll go.  
  
RACHEL: HOLD TIGHT, TODDIE! I'M A-COMMIN' BOYO!!!!!  
  
Back in the car, the others look at each other and reluctantly get out of the car.  
  
JACKIE: What about Clear?  
  
Tina shrugs and pulls a rediculously large bottle of Scotch out of her tiny pocket and puts it under Clear's hand.  
  
They walk slowly, following Rachel's path.  
  
CUT TO: INT. WAGGNER HOUSEHOLD - BATHROOM - EVENING  
  
Rachel wears a green shirt that says 'TRADING SPACES' on the back. She looks around the bathroom. No one is there.  
  
RACHEL: Welcome back to 'While Tod was out.' In just a few minutes, Tod will be back from crying in his room. We have chosen to redecorate his bathroom in a 'survival' theme. With some tips from carpenters Andrew Dan Jumbo and Leslie Segretti--  
  
CUT TO: RACHEL'S POV - Leslie Segretti and THE BEAUTIFUL ANDREW DAN JUMBO are in the bathtub pretending to be working on something.  
  
RACHEL(cont'd): We have come up with the perfect design. Now if we can only get it done in time!  
  
Frantic music begins to play. Rachel, sickly fast, puts a pale under the drippy toilet thing, a bath mat next to the tub, and removes the unmentionables from the clothesline. She retracts the line and wonders what to do with the clothes. She gives up and throws the out the window. She leaps out herself, followed by the two carpenters.  
  
Rachel arrives just as the others approach.  
  
TINA: What happened? Wear's Tod?  
  
BREE: Hey, Alex is supposed to say that after he dies. (scoffs, to self) Yeah, like he doesn't know when the coroner and the abmulance are there.  
  
RACHEL: Oh, I have a feeling Tod will walk out of his bathroom very much alive.  
  
BREE: But you hate Tod!  
  
RACHEL: I realized that saving Tod did ME a huge favour!  
  
CUT TO: EXT. STRIP MALL - NIGHT  
  
The girls eat ice cream. Clear is with them as well, munching from a box of soilent green.  
  
TINA: So, Rachel, are you gonna tell us?  
  
RACHEL: Tell you what?  
  
TINA: Why you saved Tod.  
  
RACHEL(winks): You'll know soon enough.  
  
They wait in silence for two seconds and then here some distant commotion.  
  
VOICE 1(Woman's voice): Hey! Get away from my car!  
  
VOICE 2(Young woman's voice): Don't hurt us!  
  
VOICE 3(Dumb sounding gangsta voice): You leave us little recourse.  
  
Suddenly, the BANGS of TWO GUN SHOTS ring through the air. Then, the squealing of tires, followed by utter disturbing silence.  
  
RACHEL: Heh heh heh... no sequel.  
  
Jackie's eyes fill with tears. Her lip quivers. She then drops to the ground.  
  
JACKIE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! KIMBERLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!  
  
RACHEL: Hey, Bree, what's the one thing you want this Christmas?  
  
BREE: Big Shiny Tunes 8.  
  
RACHEL: What? That punk fest? Er, was your second with for Billy to live?  
  
BREE: Actually, it was for 'Thirteen' on DVD--  
  
RACHEL: Well how was I supposed to know? I'm giving you a real treat. Hehe. DIE, OFFICER IRRITATING!  
  
Jackie is STILL SOBBING.  
  
JACKIE: You were supposed to cheat death! You were supposed to meat Altessa! You were supposed to meet mee-hee-heeeeee...  
  
CUT TO: INT. CLEAR'S GARAGE - DAY  
  
Clear furiously throws red paint at a canvas. She reaches her hand into the bucket and pulls out a drippy gobb. She takes a small lick of it, then throws it at the canvas.  
  
ENTER ALEX, who stares at the painting and it not acknowleged by Clear.  
  
ALEX: You feeling angry?  
  
PAN AROUND - The painting is a painting of Rachel, splattered in red paint, or "blood."  
  
Clear pants lowly and heavilly.  
  
ALEX: Fuck, you've got issues.  
  
CLEAR: You shush.  
  
ALEX: I mean, I know they embarassed you, but, they're not locals. They don't know the Mount Aberham way!  
  
Clear says nothing, just adds one more smear of blood to the painting.  
  
ALEX: Only one of them is American, anyway.  
  
CLEAR: And I'm beginning to believe that that one is the weirdest one!  
  
ALEX: What about the one humping the podium?  
  
CLEAR: She makes good pasta. I can't hate her... but the others are wrecking the whole town! The plane, the service, the car... and I'm kind of concerned about how long they're actually going to be here.  
  
JUMP! Bree opens the door really loudly and suddenly and runs into the garage.  
  
BREE: Clear, we're out of penut butter and--  
  
Close - BREE'S POV - ALEX has his mouth wide open and we know he's staring at the...  
  
ALEX: MOOOOOLE!  
  
He begins dashing at Bree. In defense, she picks up a weed whacker.  
  
BREE: Get away from me you fucking prophet!  
  
ALEX: For the last time, I'm not a psychic!  
  
BREE: Okay, we'll do a test. I'm thinking of a word that isn't 'kitty.' What is it?  
  
ALEX: Is it kitty?  
  
Bree DROPS the weed whacker and puts her hands on her ears.  
  
BREE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! GET OUT OF ME HEAD! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!  
  
She runs out of the room.  
  
Alex and Clear exchange a glance.  
  
ALEX: Wanna fuck?  
  
CLEAR: Nah. Later.  
  
ALEX: Wanna shag?  
  
CLEAR: It's the same thing.  
  
ALEX: The nasty?  
  
CLEAR: You're really starting to--  
  
ALEX: Coffee?  
  
CLEAR: Hmmm... that's one I've never heard before.  
  
ALEX: I mean do you wanna go for coffee?  
  
Clear smiles.  
  
CLEAR: That would be nice.  
  
CUT TO: INT. CLEAR'S HOUSE - DEN  
  
Clear bursts through the door and enters. She swings a sweater over her shoulders and grabs her purse.  
  
JACKIE: No!  
  
Tina gets up and turns off the TV. She walks to the door.  
  
CLEAR: Waaaait a minute, you guys aren't comming.  
  
RACHEL: Why not?  
  
CLEAR: I consider it a date.  
  
She leaves and slams the door.  
  
RACHEL: We have to go! I wanna see Terry die! It's something my forefathers have dreamed of since the pilgrims landed at Fraggle Rock.  
  
They look from side to side, not really saying anything.  
  
RACHEL: We'll go by ourselves! I can drive!  
  
CUT TO: EXT. MOUNT ABERHAM STREETS. The 5 are... walking.  
  
JACKIE: I hate walkin'.  
  
KYLAH: It's hot.  
  
RACHEL: Oh, that takes a regular Rhodes Scholar to know. Where did you graduate from? University of Duuuuuuhhh?  
  
A city bus pulls up and opens the door.  
  
RACHEL: Hey, whaddaya know? We stopped to compain right in front of the bus stop!  
  
JACKIE: Isn't that special?  
  
They get onto the bus.  
  
They fill up the seats and look across the aisle. Their faces go to shock as they see...  
  
GIRLS' POV - KAT is chatting on her cell phone. She yaks dumbly and then turns it off.  
  
Jackie and Bree whisper excitedly.  
  
KAT: Something you wanna say?  
  
The two BURST into giggles. Jackie hiccups, composes herself, and pulls a banana out of her bag.  
  
JACKIE: Excuse me, excuse me (giggle) How far can you get this banana down your--I can't do it, she's looking right at me.  
  
BAM! Woosh! Blood on the windows! Heh heh heh!!!  
  
TINA: Fudge!  
  
RACHEL: No, sweetheart, that's blood.  
  
TINA: No, I mean it as an exclamation.  
  
CUT TO: EXT. MOUNT ABERHAM STREETS - THE BUS  
  
Everyone steps off the bus. Tina walks to the front of the bus and looks down, realizing - of course - that it's Terry they have hit.  
  
TINA: Oh, my God, guys, Terry just died!  
  
Alex, Clear, Billy, and Ms. Lewton are also there. They seem marveled how casual Tina is.  
  
TINA: One of us could be next!  
  
Kylah shrugs. A sudden shaddow overcasts her before the object comes into plane view. It's a piano! Alex YANKS her out of the way just before she can be crushed by the instrument she loves.  
  
Kylah looks at the piano... then at her friends... she pulls a jar of Jet-Puffed marshmallow creme out of her sweater.  
  
KYLAH: This calls for a celebration snack.  
  
ALEX: Where'dya get that?  
  
KYLAH: Wal-Mart.  
  
She gobbles down some and then turns to the piano. She looks at the keys then up to the sky.  
  
KYLAH(re: the sky): WOULD IT KILL YOU TO SEND A STOOL DOWN?  
  
A small stool comes rocketing down and lands perfectly in front of the piano. Kylah parks her keester on the stool and commenses playing and singing her favourite song, 'And All That Jazz' from the musical 'Chicago.'  
  
Bree suddenly begins leading a troupe of tap dancers down the sidewalk. The people on the sidewalk sing as the chorus. Suddenly the streets of Mount Aberham have turned into a musical. Rachel is disgusted and puts her headphones. Jackie's eyes, however, are full of whimsey and wonder.  
  
JACKIE: It's the greatest gift of all.  
  
KYLAH: It's just a noisy hall where there's a nightly brawl. And all that-   
  
MOUNT ABERHAM CITIZENS: Jazz!  
  
The only ones not joined in the fun are Rachel and Ms. Lewton, who is sobbing, as always. Even Terry has some dancing spirit in her!  
  
RACHEL: What the fuck is wrong with this town?  
  
RACHEL'S POV - A few extras do some flips. Clear does one and falls. Rachel snickers. Some of the citizens are even playing instruments, including Carter who enthusiatically plays a picolo. Kylah is now on top of the piano strutting her "thang" while Ray Charles accompanies her. Her and the dancers now have fabulous costumes. A crowd of distinguished socialites watch.  
  
KYLAH: No, I'm no one's wife, but, oh I love my life. And all that jazz!   
  
COMPANY: That jazz! 


	4. Part 4: Let's Get Stoned!

*Note: I know I originally wrote the "rules" scene with the famous Dharke explaining them, but since it applies more to Sparky's lovely story 'Things We've Learned from Scary Movies,' I changed it to her. Dharke, I noticed you haven't reviewed it yet. You should. Heheh. Aren't I pushy? Remind you of someone?  
  
And thanks Kylah for reviewing! I know we didn't buy the marshmallow spread at Wal Mart (but we didn't buy it at Giant Tiger, we bought it at Loebs!) But all that was important was that we shared it! And got chocolate sauce on ourselves. But what the fuck is with matlock? I mean I know who he is, but why Matlock? Oh, you mean Maaaaaatlooooock!  
  
This ch. also includes a subtle hint for Lindsay to give me back my Lillix CD.  
  
PART 4  
  
INT. CLEAR'S HOUSE - DEN - NIGHT  
  
Clear, Rachel, Kylah, Jackie, and Bree sit around the TV boredly. Tina ENTERS with several DVD cases in her hands.  
  
TINA: We've got five choices: Idle Hands, Varsity Blues, American Pie, Disturbing Behavior, and Candyman.  
  
KYLAH: Candy! Candy!  
  
CLEAR: Varsity Blues. That whipped-cream scene kinda turns me on.  
  
Rachel SHUDDERS.  
  
JACKIE: I always found that albino guy in Disturbing Behavior kinda hot.  
  
They look at her with cocked eyebrows. Hehe. Cocked.  
  
BREE: I say American Pie. Chris Klein, man!  
  
RACHEL: Oh, yeah, you little dyke, and you get to see Shannon Elizabeth's tits.  
  
Suddenly, Alex BURSTS IN. He looks stressed with that mouth-hanging-two-inches-open look of his.  
  
ALEX: Clear! What would you say if I were to tell you that Ms. Lewton is next?  
  
CLEAR: I would say 'come again?' and then I would laugh because I said 'cum.'  
  
ALEX: Ms. Lewton's next.  
  
CLEAR: Come again? (beat) Meheheheheheh.  
  
Alex pulls out a piece of paper.  
  
ALEX: Look at this!  
  
CLEAR(reads from list): Two zuccinis, boneless chicken breasts, one large pack of Playtex tampons...  
  
ALEX(Snatches the list back): Woops, that's my grocery list. (pulls out new paper) It's the path of the explosion. Look at the order. First Tod - He had his bathroom hideously redecorated.  
  
Rachel giggles nervously.  
  
ALEX: Then Terry - she was hit by a bus! Then Kylah, she was almost crushed by a piano. Next is Ms. Lewton!  
  
CLEAR: But do we really care?  
  
ALEX: Yes! My regular Saturday night ritual consists of me feeling myself with her yearbook picture. My favourite English teacher is going to meet her bloody end!  
  
CLEAR: You're being rediculous. The plane crash and the bus, and the piano thing, they were all just horrible accidents! Nothing bad like that happens in Mount Aberham!  
  
Around the corner, a few official-looking young men in gas masks walk around the corner.  
  
MAN 1: Hey, Clear. Just doin' the manditory weekly Anthrax inspection.  
  
CLEAR: Hey, Dennis. Get yourself a beer while you're at it.  
  
ALEX: I know Mount Aberham is a safe place...  
  
(meanwhile, in the bg, which is set to grab attention, a killer in a 'Scream' mask comes and grabs the gas mask guy. He stabs him a few times but no one notices.)  
  
ALEX: But I'm not talking about a serial killer here.  
  
(The 'killer' then slits the second guy's throat.)  
  
ALEX: This is an unstopable force. This is death itself. And he doesn't fuck around.  
  
(The 'killer' takes the beer, drinks it, and drags the bodies away.)  
  
ALEX: At least come see Terry's body with me. It's super freaky!  
  
TINA: Can I come?  
  
ALEX: No.  
  
CUT TO: INT. MORGUE - NIGHT  
  
Terry's corpse lies on the table. The lumps under the sheet indicat that she's pretty damn mangled, but her face looks relatively fine. However we can only see from a distance.  
  
Alex and Clear enter.  
  
ALEX: That's her.  
  
CLEAR: But why did they make her up like Michael Jackson?  
  
FOCUS on Terry's face, which we can now fully see. She is wearing a lot of stage makeup and is missing her nose.  
  
BOING! Terry's head BOUNCES off the table and back down. Alex and Clear jump. BLUDWORTH enters from that cave-like corridore.  
  
BLUDWORTH: You'll wake the dead.  
  
ALEX: Get the fuck out of here, old man. I was about to score.  
  
CLEAR: Oh, you were not. Uh, why did her head do that? Was it a cadaveric spasm?  
  
Bludworth leans his ear into the room.  
  
BLUDWORTH: Someone's under that sheet!  
  
He SWEEPS the sheet off, reveal Tod, horny, desperate, thankfully clothed lying on top of Terry's body.  
  
BLUDWORTH: Out.  
  
TOD: Oh, c'mon! I was almost there!  
  
ALEX: Leave.  
  
Tod exits.  
  
BLUDWORTH: I suppose I've been brought in to be the 'old man at the edge of the forrest' type character. Give you advice. Make you go crazy.  
  
ALEX: Actually I just came here because this is the closest I've ever gotten to Terry Chaney without her macing me.  
  
BLUDWORTH: Oh... well then, let's get stoned!  
  
CUT TO: INT. MS. LEWTON'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT  
  
Ms. Lewton sits on the couch binging on Ben and Jerry's. A friend comes around the couch from the back, also carrying a bowl.  
  
MS LEWTON: Thanks. I really could use this. (She eats a spoonefull) I've been living in fear of Alex Browning for nearly two months now. The kid is like a walking urban legend.  
  
FRIEND: Yeah, you know, I heard a great urban legend a few days ago.  
  
Ms. Lewton GROANS and we can tell she is not the believer type. Oh well. The unbeleivers always die horrible horrible deaths.  
  
FRIEND: It's about this video tape with all these scary nightmarish images, and after you watch it, you get this phone call, and it says 'You will die in seven days.' Then seven days later to the minute, you die.  
  
Ms. Lewton's eyes WIDEN. She doesn't like the sound of that.  
  
FRIEND: What?  
  
MS LEWTON: I watched that last week.  
  
FRIEND: No way. You're just fucking with me.  
  
MS LEWTON: No, seriously. I was in the mountains fucking with Glen and we found this video... and we watched it together and got the phone call.  
  
FRIEND: Oh, my god! When was this?  
  
MS LESTON: ...............seven days ago.  
  
FRIEND: Yeah right.  
  
CUT BACK TO MORGUE  
  
Alex smokes a joint. His eyes glaze over. Clear pours alcohol down a bong and Bludworth guzzles it.  
  
BLUDWOTH: Yeaaaaaaaahhhh!  
  
ALEX: This is good shit!  
  
CUT BACK TO MS. LEWTON'S HOUSE  
  
Ms. Lewton pours her tea. The mug cracks and tea begins gushing out unrealistically like a waterfall. She doesn't notice and putters around her hallway.  
  
CUT BACK TO MORGUE  
  
Clear and Bludworth dance suggestively to 'Lets Get It On.' Alex drunkily/stondily twirls Terry's hair.  
  
BACK TO MS. LEWTON'S HOUSE  
  
Ms. Lewton sips from her mug. She hears an odd humming noice. She turns around to her kitchen where there are puddles of water on the floor. She inches toward the open area and sees the tv screen, which is doing the fuzzy thing.  
  
She suddenly turns around, and opens her mouth as if to SCREAM, but the screen goes an eery glowing white and we are back at  
  
THE MORGUE  
  
The three stoners lie on the floor recovering. Clear holds spoons under her eyes.  
  
Agent Schreck and Weine suddenly COME THROUGH THE DOORS, making a loud banging sound. They wheel in a guerny with a bodybag.  
  
SCHRECK: Mr. Bludworth--oh, Bill! What are you doing on the floor?  
  
BLUDWORTH(Stands up): You're always trying to control me! You don't give a shit about what I want! I hate you! I wish you were dead!  
  
He turns and runs like a crying teenager out of the room.  
  
ALEX: What the hell is in the bodybag?  
  
WIENE: In here?(He slowly unzips it)It's a CLOWN!!!  
  
He pulls the corpse up to reveal a dead clown.  
  
WEINE: And no wonder he died, his lunchs were filled with(He rips open his stomach)CANDY!  
  
He showers the teenagers in candies.  
  
WEINE: Heheheh. That always gets the kids. Hey, Schreck, bring in the real body.  
  
He tosses the clown aside. He makes way as the second guerny slides in, the corpse covered by a sheet. He slowly peels back the sheet to reveal...  
  
MS. LEWTON, a pale grey colour, all the fat drained from her skin, her hair blackened and mostly fallen out, her mouth on the side of her face in a screaming expression.  
  
WEINE: Another 'The Ring' style death. Eh, for fun, put it under suicide.  
  
Schreck checks something off on his notes. Cut back to  
  
THE AGENTS' POV - CLEAR stands alone... Alex is nowhere to be found.  
  
CUT TO: EXT. MOUNT ABERHAM HIGH - COURTYARD  
  
Clear and the authors stand around waiting. Billy rides his bike into the scene.  
  
BILLY: How do you like that? I rode all the way here without Carter attempting to run me over!  
  
Suddenly Carter's car comes RACING into the scene, and nearly runs Billy down.  
  
BILLY: Carter, you dick!  
  
Carter makes his fashionable entrance.  
  
CLEAR: Now we just have to wait for Tod.  
  
CUT TO: UNKNOWN POV - SKY - Tod comes fluttering down towards the ground with a parachute. He lands softly.  
  
TOD: Don't ask questions, you won't get answers anyway.  
  
Everyone looks puzzled.  
  
RACHEL: Uh... okay.  
  
CARTER: Why the fuck are we here?  
  
CLEAR: We need to find Alex. And I need to put your lives in danger as well.  
  
CARTER: Why do we have to find that asswipe?  
  
CLEAR: Because he knows which one of us is next!  
  
BREE,RACHEL,JACKIE,and TINA(Kylah has only seen FD2): WE DO TOO!  
  
CLEAR: But Alex has more of that autistic child charm.  
  
RACHEL: Clear, I would like to take this opportunity to slit your throat with a broken Lillix CD, but a, Bree lent her Lillix CD to Lindsay, and b, I think we need to take charge of something here.  
  
TOD: You mean the fact that accidents are happening everywhere?  
  
TINA: They're not accidents. They're sent by death.  
  
JACKIE: It's more than that. We are in a late-nineties-horror/supernatural-genre situation. There are certain rules we have to follow.  
  
RAHCLE: Oh, great, here we go!  
  
'La Grange' by ZZTop starts to play very softly in the background.  
  
JACKIE: Number one, only believe the visionary five seconds before you die. Number two, you must own a fancy cell phone and wear kahkis. Number three, if you do not own a fancy cell phone or wear kahkis, you are poor.  
  
Billy looks at his baggy jean shorts and his hideous sweater and groans.  
  
JACKIE: Number four, the annoying skinny guy must always exhaggerate the first death.  
  
TOD: OH MY GOD! BILLY LEWIS' MOTHER KILLED GEORGE!!  
  
The music is getting progressively louder.  
  
JACKIE: Number five, beautiful people are rediculously unintelligent. Number six, The Hot Jock gets over the death of his girlfriend amazingly fast.  
  
CUT TO: RACHEL'S POV-CARTER is being cuddled by two hookers.  
  
CARTER: Got that right!  
  
TINA: Pay attention, Carter!  
  
JACKIE: Number seven, if you are potrayed by a lesser known actor or actress, you're a shoe in for a good ol' axe in the head.  
  
Tina points a sign at Billy that says 'Dead Man.' She suddenly gets an 'I remember' look on her face and points a second sign under her first - 'And he dies again in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back!'  
  
JACKIE: Number eight, the movie is not funny unless you bring in a minority character or drug content.  
  
CLEAR: But we didn't.  
  
JACKIE: Thank you, Captain Obvious. Rachel and Tina are from Europe! They've got crazy accents for comic relief. Number nine, there will always be a grossly rushed sex scene with the male and female leads who just met days ago. Fortunately, this one will be cut.  
  
BILLY: You mean Alex has to have sex with ol' Beaver Teeth? Ewww!  
  
JACKIE: Number ten, all supporting characters must be stale, shallow, and most importantly, repetetive.  
  
CARTER: I control when I die!  
  
BILLY: Carter, you dick!  
  
TOD: I'm never gonna get laid.  
  
JACKIE: And finally, number 101, exhaggerate everything to make yourself appear more intelligent.  
  
CARTER: Damn straight, I do it all the time!  
  
The music stops.  
  
BREE: Aww, man, I was just getting into it!  
  
RACHEL: We've got to do something. No one ever got around by sitting on their behinds!  
  
BREE: I've got an idea! Let's all go find Alex and walk through the dark scary woods!  
  
TINA: No way! Not in these heels!  
  
RACHEL: I'll drive!  
  
EVERYONE: Fuck no!  
  
CARTER: I'm not letting you all in my car! Unless you guys want to have to sit on each other! And I'll have to wrap the seats in bubble paper 'cause I don't want you markin' up the appoulstry.  
  
JACKIE: Oh boy! Bubble paper!  
  
BREE: Can I sit on Billy's lap?  
  
Billy is incredibly freaked out.  
  
CARTER: Uh... sure.  
  
CUT TO: INT. CARTER'S CAR - NIGHT  
  
Carter is driving. Clear rides shotgun. Rachel, Billy, and Tod ride in the back seat with Tina, Jackie, and Bree are squashed in awkwardly.  
  
JACKIE: Shouldn't we let Kylah out of the trunk?  
  
They hear a thump in the back.  
  
RACHEL: Listen to her in there. She's having the time of her life.  
  
KYLAH: (o.s.) Oxegyn running out... 


	5. Part 5: Twister, Juicy Fruit, and Jackie...

Blessed are my reviewers, who are angels in my eyes. Only Rachel is an angel carrying a pitchfork and dashing after Clear with it. And note to Kylah, the rules of death are - once it's skipped you, it goes to the next person. You're gonna be FINE.  
  
PART 5  
  
EXT. BEACH - NIGHT  
  
Alex sits facing away from the camera, not looking at the sky, but looking down, shoulders shaking as if crying. We hear a faint moaning.  
  
INSERT - ALEX'S POV - Ms. Lewton's photo is surrounded by candles.  
  
CLEAR(o.s.): I thought you'd be here.  
  
Alex JUMPS up, he didn't see her there. He stumbles, and we can see his FLY IS OPEN.  
  
ALEX: Clear! Never walk in on a grieving man!  
  
Clear looks at Alex unsurely.  
  
CLEAR: Please wash your hands.  
  
Alex, defeated goes over to the water and splashes some on his hands. He rubs them and approaches Clear.  
  
ALEX: What are you hear to talk about?  
  
Clear sighs.  
  
CLEAR: I wanna know who's next.  
  
Alex looks at her coldly. He chews a thumbnail.  
  
ALEX: Rachel.  
  
CUT TO: INT. CARTER'S CAR  
  
The car is parked somewhere near the bush. The five gal pals sit on in the car, with Carter, Billy, and Tod, pacing around boredly outside. Rachel takes a large triangular guitar pic from Kylah, a lighter from Tina, and flicks the lighter.  
  
Fwoosh! The pic lights afire, crackles, and sparks. Rachel blows it out. Except for one corner, it is charred, but more crisp and solid than gooey and melty.  
  
BREE: I told you. Guitar pics don't melt.  
  
RACHEL: Don't I feel special?  
  
Billy taps on the window.  
  
BILLY(sound slightly muted by the glass): Can I come in? It's cold and there are angry birds after me!  
  
KYLAH: You brought it on yourself!  
  
BILLY: How?  
  
Kylah, shrugging, opens up the door and hits the capped boy RIGHT IN THE CROTCH! He groans and falls to the ground.  
  
KYLAH: By not being prepared.  
  
She SLAMS the door shut.  
  
RACHEL: Okay, Bree, truth or dare.  
  
BREE: Truth. I never pick Dare.  
  
RACHEL: How far have you gone?  
  
BREE: Well, in Band Camp, I was bored, so I took my French Horn and...  
  
RACHEL: You didn't let me finish. How far have you gone same-sex-wise?  
  
Bree hesitates.  
  
BREE: When I was nine my friend kissed me because I got her a Spice Girls CD.  
  
The others groan.  
  
BREE: Kylah. Truth or dare.  
  
KYLAH: Truth.  
  
BREE: What's the most serious abmision you have?  
  
KYLAH: The MOST serious? Uh... to own a Cheese Curd factory in Japan and call it Umi Izumi's Curds.  
  
BREE: O... kay... moving on.  
  
KYLAH: Jackie. Truth or dare?  
  
JACKIE: Dare.  
  
KYLAH: This is gonna be fun... climb the tallest tree in the forrest and flash the boys!  
  
Jackie gulps. She turns around and looks out the window at a TEETERING spruce tree that twists and twirls in the wind. Horribly suspensful and scary music plays.  
  
JACKIE(suddenly bright): Looks fun!  
  
They exit the car. 'Cannonball' by The Breeders plays.  
  
Tina and Kylah suddenly stop, interrupting the music. Tina peers towards the screen.  
  
TINA: What the FUCK are you doing?  
  
PAN AROUND - TINA'S POV - CARTER, BILLY, AND TOD are dressed in yellow hula skirts with (yay!) no shirts, wearing tiki jewelery and giant wooden masks on their backs. Billy holds a decorated staff. Carter tears into Tod like Oprah on a baked ham.  
  
CARTER: It's step step trust hit, not step thrust step hit! Are you TRYING to piss off the volcano?(he graps Tod by the necklace)You don't DESERVE to be the human sacrifice!  
  
TINA: Put him down!  
  
Carter smiles, as if realizing Tina FOR THE FIRST TIME. He puts his arm around Tod.  
  
CARTER: We were just talking, weren't we, George?  
  
TOD: It's Tod.  
  
CARTER: Whatever.  
  
The music commenses again.  
  
Jackie slowly begins scaling the tree.  
  
INSERT - JACKIE'S POV - RACHEL stands on the ground and flashes her a grin and a thumbs up.  
  
Jackie climbs about halfway up before starting to pant. She swings herself up on a branch.  
  
JACKIE: Okay, I'll make base camp and try for the summit tomorrow.  
  
RACHEL: HEY! Don't make me come up there!  
  
JACKIE: Like to see ya try!  
  
CARTER: TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF!  
  
KYLAH: Carter, you are such an asshole.  
  
CARTER: And?  
  
RACHEL(to Carter): And you're an insensetive moron who would deserve to die if only you weren't so beautiful!  
  
BILLY: Guys...  
  
A semi comes CRASHING into Billy's bike. A big slow-motion 'NOOOOO!' is drawn out from Clear, who runs towards Rachel.  
  
CLEAR: RAAAAA-CHELLLLL!  
  
She swoops to Rachel's side and pushes her away just as the BICYCLE TIRE flies overhead.  
  
Return to normal speed: Clear lies on top of Rachel. They breathe heavilly and scared for a few seconds.  
  
RACHEL: Please roll off me.  
  
Clear rolls away. Rachel looks at Clear disgusted.  
  
RACHEL: You beaver! What were you thinking!  
  
CLEAR: Oh, be thankfull you biggot! I just saved you from a bloody bloody death!  
  
BREE: Uhhhh... guys?  
  
RACHEL&CLEAR: What?  
  
BREE: Maybe someone should do something about that.  
  
Upon 'that' she points to the ground, where Carter lay headless and bloody on the ground. A sharp piece of the bike tire lies on the ground next to him.  
  
ALEX: Oh, fuck, what now?  
  
TOD: Oh, I phoned the cops to come scrape up Carter's body two seconds ago. Alex, you, uh, might wanna make the break to Mexico.  
  
ALEX: Damn!  
  
He hops onto a scooter (don't ask ME where it came from!) and rides off.  
  
CLEAR: Oh, dear God, Carter wasn't supposed to die!  
  
KYLAH: Believe me, it was his time.  
  
They look behind them to see a police car approaching with it's lights on.  
  
TINA: What efficient police services!  
  
We cannot see the car, just the faces of our heros. We can hear the door of the car open and close, and Rachel's jaw drops to the floor.  
  
Standing in front of them is none other than Officer Irriating.  
  
Rachel snaps out of her shocked state and puts her hands over her ears.  
  
RACHEL: I wanna die I wanna die I wanna die I wanna die I wanna die I wanna die...  
  
THOMAS: I understand you're upset about your friend, but we have to do the honorable thing and... scrape him up with a shovel, put him in a garbage bag, and feed him to some angry bears.  
  
BREE: What about his family?  
  
THOMAS(snickers): They think his body's being donated to science!  
  
JACKIE(o.s.): HELLLLOOOOOOOO? MR. LANDES?????? I'D LIKE TO GET DOWN NOW!  
  
Officer Irritating looks up to see Jackie in the tree.  
  
THOMAS: DON'T WORRY! WE'LL BRING IN THE CHERRY PICKER!  
  
JACKIE: THANK YOU MICHAEL!  
  
THOMAS: Michael?  
  
CUT TO: Same scene, sightly later. Officer Irritating is in a Cherry Picker which rises to the top of the tree, Jackie holds on to the tree tightly.  
  
RACHEL: Enough of this shit.  
  
She opens the door of the cherry picker and RELEASES THE PARKING BREAK.  
  
CLOSE IN - OFFICER IRRITATING'S COMICALLY TERRIFIED FACE as the cherry picker goes ROLLING DOWN the road, through several trees, and finally, into the water.  
  
Shots of everyone's faces. They are shocked, scared, and mostly in negative spirits. Except for Rachel, who does a little dance.  
  
RACHEL: I killed someone! Yes!  
  
KYLAH(sarcastic): Brilliant! First you kill Kerr Smith now Michael Landes! And we've got Jackie stuck in a tree, Devon Sawa's run off to Mexico, and Seann William Scott is still in danger! We are stuck in this movie world! You wanna know what I think? You want the truth? You want the truth? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! 'Cause when you stick your hand into a pile of goo, THAT WAS YOUR BEST FRIEND'S FACE! FORGET IT, RACHEL! IT'S CHINATOWN!  
  
CLEAR: Okay, Kylah, we've all had our share of Iced Cappucinos. Let's just get to my dad's cabin before we cause anymore trouble.  
  
They all begin walking down the road.  
  
JACKIE: HELLO?  
  
She is answered only by the sound of crickets chirping.  
  
JACKIE: SOMEBODY?  
  
An owl hoots in the night.  
  
JACKIE: Mr. Owl? Little help?  
  
The owl gets up and flies away.  
  
JACKIE: Shit...  
  
She hears a cracking in the tree. INSERT SHOT: The tree's trunk is beginning to crack just under Jackie.  
  
JACKIE: Well that can't be good.  
  
CUT TO: INT. CLEAR'S CABIN - NIGHT  
  
The guys/girls, minus Tina, sit in cozy cozy armchairs sipping nice hot cocoa. A fire crackles in the fireplace. Everything is cheery. Kylah plays a guitar and sings the Juicy Fruit song.  
  
TOD: Woah. Things rock now that Carter's dead.  
  
Tina comes out of an inside door, possibly a bathroom, and looks at the cocoa, the fire, and the guitar.  
  
TINA: You idiots!  
  
The music stops. They look incredibly guilty.  
  
TINA: You call this practical?  
  
They avoid her gaze.  
  
TINA: You guys don't know the first thing about teen movies!  
  
CUT TO: SAME SCENE - LATER  
  
Billy sits on the couch and twirls a Twister wheel. It stops on...  
  
BILLY: Right hand yellow!  
  
Rachel, burried in a heap of people on top of a twister board, reaches out her hand onto a yellow pad. Everyone laughs joyously.  
  
Jackie BURSTS through the door, disgruntled and dirty, bruised and scratched from her fall. She grabs Rachel by the collar and calmly, yet hoarsly states...  
  
JACKIE: I am going to kick... your... aaaaaasssssssssss. 


	6. Part 6: Bye Bye Miss Canadian Pie

INT. CABIN - MORNING  
  
Jackie stirs under the covers and we can hear a heavy breathing. She turnd her head toward the sound and slowly opens her eyes, shocked to find RACHEL beside her, eyes open wide and shaking slightly.  
  
RACHEL(sickly fast): Youknow whatI just figuredout? WhenwekilledCarter last night wejustkilled Rory! Yeah!Andhe'll never be savedcause hedies in Paris! Don'twesuck?  
  
Jackie peers around. Everyone else is still asleep.  
  
JACKIE: How long have you been up?  
  
RACHEL: Fourhours. Igotbored so I ate someofClear's tenyearoldcoffee.  
  
JACKIE: Ten-year-old coffee?  
  
RACHEL: Uh-huh. NowI'mafraid if I stoptalking I'll die. Isn'tBillygreat? I thought he'dbealllike 'lookatme I rideabike I'm so cool!' But he's nodifferent than you or me or Jesusoverthere!  
  
She points to the corner of the room. INSERT - JACKIE'S POV - CORNER OF ROOM, where nothing but a garbage can rests.  
  
JACKIE: Let's get you some sleeping pills. They taste like strawberry!  
  
RACHEL(jumping idiotically): Oh boy oh boy oh boy!  
  
CUT TO: INT. CABIN - KITCHEN - SAME TIME  
  
Everyone eats cereal. Rachel's face is sunk down as if passed out.  
  
TINA: When is Alex gonna come back? I miss him!  
  
CLEAR: He phoned last night saying GET A GRIP TINA!  
  
Tina looks hurt.  
  
TINA: You don't have to be so mean!  
  
Alex then comes into the kitchen casually wearing a red sombraro.  
  
ALEX: 'Morning. What's for breakfast?  
  
CLEAR: Alex!  
  
She jumps up from the table and gives him a hug. Rachel, with an ounce of strength, blindly picks up a fork and jabs Clear in the ass with it.  
  
Clear ignored the random act of violence.  
  
CLEAR: How did you get back?  
  
ALEX(sexily mysterious): I never really left.  
  
CLEAR: So where did you get the sombraro?  
  
ALEX: Wal-Mart.  
  
TOD: No way! Zellers could kick Wal-Mart's ass!  
  
BREE: You're both wrong! Costco has everything you need plus it's lined from top to bottom with free samples!  
  
CLEAR: Let's get back on the topic of death, please?  
  
TINA: What's the point? It's gonna get you guys and the five of us are gonna go back home happily and unhurt.  
  
Bree nods in agreement. Suddenly an AXE flies at her head. Tina yanks her away before it can chop her head in two.  
  
INSERT - BREE'S POV - BILLY stands by the stove as if he just threw the axe.  
  
BILLY: Woopsie.  
  
CLEAR: That mortician... he was the one that gave us the initial idea that death was comming for us.  
  
ALEX: Maybe if we go to see him again...  
  
RACHEL: I see what you're saying!  
  
CLEAR: Yeah!  
  
RACHEL: We have to kill him!  
  
CLAER: Yeah--what?  
  
RACHEL: When you think about it, he's probably given a lot of terrified teenagers ideas on how to cheat death. I mean, he could have started one of the biggest rifts in death's design... like, ever.  
  
Beat - no one seems to believe her at first.  
  
TOD: I'm in.  
  
BILLY: Killing is fun!  
  
CLEAR: Whatever.  
  
ALEX: Yeah! Let's get out there and kill! Kill! Kill!  
  
EVERYONE: Kill! Kill! Kill!  
  
They run into the back room of the cabin. Tod remains at the table.  
  
TOD: Kill! Kill! Ki--woops.  
  
CUT TO: INT. CABIN - BEDROOM - MORNING  
  
Clear picks the lock of an old trunk.  
  
Inside, it is filled with many guns and other weapons.  
  
CLEAR: Let's do this thing.  
  
MONTAGE: Preparation of the weapons.  
  
BG MUSIC - "The Art of Losing" by American Hi-Fi  
  
-Clear hands out the guns.  
  
-Tina assemples a machine gun.  
  
-Billy, Bree, Tod, and Jackie line up outside and practice targets.  
  
-Alex looks over a selection of large knives.  
  
-Clear packs some small guns in her backpack.  
  
-Alex selects the largest knife. He then cuts a sandwhich in half with it.  
  
-Billy lights a fuse and smugly watches it burn. It leads to Carter's headless corpse, which blows to smitherines.  
  
-Jackie, in full military gear, crawls in tall grass. She then takes out a grenade and tosses it at something.  
  
-Rachel, Tina, and Alex shoot a dead bunny on the ground mobster-style and then put him in a trunk, looking shifty.  
  
-The gang lines up next to a manhole with their weapons on them. Clear removes the cap and they lower into the sewer.  
  
END MONTAGE  
  
INT. SEWER - NIGHT  
  
The nine survivors walk around the sewer holding flaslights.  
  
BREE: Woah! I found a buffalo nickel!  
  
RACHEL(to Tina): This place smells like... (she takes a sniff) Okay, I've been through stables before, but I've never smelled anything this bad.  
  
TINA: It smells like drugs and dead bodies.  
  
FX - slosh of water as Jackie wanders up to them.  
  
JACKIE: Let's not forget shit.  
  
Tina aims her flashlight up to a hatch. A giant, not-to-subtle sign is placed next to it that says "MORGUE."  
  
TINA: Guys, do you think this is it?  
  
Rachel looks up at the hatch.  
  
RACHEL: There's only one way to find out!  
  
TOD(o.s.): Hey, Alex? Remember your goldfish from sixth grade we flushed down the toilet?  
  
CUT TO: ALEX'S POV - TOD is being held with a gun to his head by a giant, evil, cartoonish goldfish.  
  
TOD: I don't think he was dead.  
  
CUT TO: INT. MORGUE - NIGHT  
  
Rachel, wet, and presumably smelly, comes out of the cellar door, her breath held and a greenish tint to her cheeks. She releases her breath and takes a few big gulps of air.  
  
JACKIE: Hurry up, Rachel! It smells in here!  
  
Rachel pulls herself out and coughs a few times. She's followed by Jackie, then Kylah, then soon everyone else. Billy's shirt is so messy he takes it off. Tina and Bree are caught in a trance by his lovely abs.  
  
ALEX: Hey! I thought you were the 'Fat Kid!'  
  
BILLY: No, I'm the class clown.  
  
ALEX: Then who was the fat kid?  
  
RACHEL: Clear!  
  
ALEX: You sit on a throne of lies!!!  
  
BLUDWORTH(o.s.): What have I told you about waking the dead?  
  
The guys SCREAM at the suddenness of his voice. Clear jumps so that she falls back down the hole. We hear a splash.  
  
RACHEL: Woops.  
  
She kicks the cellar door down and moves a wheel table over it.  
  
CLEAR(o.s.): You bastards! You're forgetting - I have the guns!  
  
KYLAH: Dammit!  
  
She opens the cellar door.  
  
Clear emerges with her backpack full of guns. Everyone takes their own.  
  
RACHEL: The madness ends here.  
  
BREE: Meet thy god.  
  
BLUDWORTH: Oh, Bree... I know you don't want to kill me...  
  
BREE: But I do! You piss me off!  
  
BLUDWORTH: Well I know someone who doesn't want you to kill me.  
  
He motions the door, where MICHELLE BRANCH steps out. Her eyes are swirly, like she's been hypnotized.  
  
MICHELLE(monotone): You don't wanna kill Mr. Bludworth. He's a NICE man.  
  
BREE: Oh, c'mon, you kidnapped and hypnotyzed Michelle Branch just so I wouldn't kill you when it's clear that everyone else is still poised to kill you?  
  
BLUDWORTH: That is the general idea.  
  
Bree stares at them for a second, then suddenly snaps and squeals nervously.  
  
BREE: Michelle, can you teach me the opening tab to 'Breathe?' Please please please?  
  
BILLY(o.s): THIS ENDS HERE!  
  
FX - GUN SHOT! And ANOTHER! And ANOTHER!  
  
CUT TO: BILLY'S POV - BLUDWORTH has three bullet holes in his chest, and stumbles backwards to the ground. He falls, dead.  
  
MICHELLE: You idiots! You killed Candyman!  
  
BILLY: No, uh, Sammy Davis, Jr. is already dead.  
  
Everyone scoffs.  
  
CLEAR: So, uh... I guess this is it... it's over!  
  
KYLAH: Thank you, Captain Obvious.  
  
CLEAR(re: Billy and Tod): Uh, do you mind?  
  
ALEX: They kinda have to focus on the male and female leads at this point.  
  
TOD: Hey, it's fine.  
  
BILLY: We had a good run.  
  
TOD: Yeah. We only stopped death and all.  
  
RACHEL: It's good that you understand.  
  
Billy and Tod walk off sadly occasionally staring back at the group pitifully.  
  
Alex stares at Rachel, Tina, Jackie, Bree, and Kylah.  
  
ALEX: I kinda meant you guys, too.  
  
TINA: Uh... okay.  
  
They leave the room and shut the door. INSERT - ALEX'S POV - THE DOOR is shut, but we can CLEARLY see our hero's eyes staring through the window. Alex pulls Clear closer and they kiss as 'Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous' plays.  
  
ALEX: Let's get these crazy mofos home.  
  
CUT TO: INT. AIRPORT - NIGHT  
  
The survivors and the authors are together for one last time by a waiting room. Jackie clutches her backpack tightly.  
  
JACKIE: Well, I gotta ship out now. (She hugs several people) Oh, Alex, I got you a little gift. You know, 'cause of Ms. Lewton...  
  
Alex accepts a wrapped gift and tears away the paper. It's a video. He looks at the title.  
  
ALEX: 'Girls Gone Wild!' Aw, Jackie, how did you know I wanted this?  
  
JACKIE(nervous): I had a little inkling.  
  
RACHEL: 'Bye Jackie! My little hippy friend.  
  
WHAM! Out of nowhere Jackie PUNCHES Rachel in the face! Rachel falls to the ground.  
  
TINA: Bitch went down!  
  
Rachel, with a smile, whipes some blood off her lip.  
  
RACHEL: Hippies kick ass!  
  
Jackie grins at this and walks through the tunnel.  
  
RACHEL: Yeah, I'd better get to my gate.  
  
KYLAH: Later.  
  
BREE: I'll never forget you!  
  
TINA: I'll only forget you if I get hideously hammered and get bashed on the head with the leg from a piano bench!  
  
They depart. Kylah and Bree walk away together.  
  
CUT TO: INT. PLANE - NIGHT  
  
Kylah and Bree walk on with smiles on their faces.  
  
RACHEL(o.s.): Waaaaaaaait!  
  
Rachel comes DASHING onto the aircraft, waving her arms madly.  
  
BREE: Aw, Rachel, of course it's natural that you don't wanna leave us...  
  
RACHEL: No, that's not it! My flight is delayed an hour and the Larter promised to 'keep me company!'  
  
An airport security guard marches into the plane and grabs Rachel by the shoulder.  
  
GUARD: You've been warned.  
  
RACHEL: Don't send me back there! Please!  
  
GUARD: Don't make me get the tazer.  
  
He drives her off and we can hear a distant 'Noooooo!'  
  
CUT TO: Same scene. Just about everyone on the plane has been sleeping. It is early morning. Kylah awakes and yawns. She stares out the window. A shocked look registers on her face and she whacks Bree with her purse.  
  
KYLAH: Bree! Wake up!  
  
Bree's eyes flutter open.  
  
KYLAH: Are we a little close to the ground to you?  
  
Bree stares out the window.  
  
INT. THE GIRLS' POV - THE RUNWAY is within plane view... and a sudden JOLT indicates that the plane has made contact with the ground.  
  
BREE: This is a little too early to be arriving in Northern Ontario, isn't it?  
  
Kylah looks out the window. The plane has now stopped completely. Unfamiliar airport, odd surroundings... this is NOT Timmins.  
  
PILOT(v.o.): Ladies and gentlemen, due to a gas shortage, we're just making a quick unsheduled stop in Great Falls, Michigan.  
  
Bree and Kylah grin mischeviously. 'American Pie' by Don Maclean begins to play, and the girls calmly exit the aircraft.  
  
KYLAH(v.o.): We won't bore you with the details, but we were eventually escorted home by the Michigan State Police before we even got the chance to meet any characters from 'American Pie.'  
  
INT. TIMMINS HIGH - DAY  
  
Bree and Kylah sit on a bench with Deven and Kelsey (wait a minute, Kelsey doesn't go to our school...) listening intently as they tell their story.  
  
KYLAH: But all that matters is that Bree got to meet Seann William Scott in her own little way.  
  
BREE: And that Kylah learned to culture herself... in her own little way.  
  
KELSEY: Sounds like bull to me.  
  
DEVEN: You just spend all of second period making that up, didn't you?  
  
BREE: All that matters is that I've made the readers happy. You know, I think this really puts me up there with the greats.  
  
CUT TO: INT. UNKNOWN PLACE, UNKNOWN TIME  
  
But one thing we DO know, KATEY-KINZ, slightly older now, sits at her computer, with CURTIS ALMIGHTY on the screen.  
  
KATEY-KINZ: What a piece of shit!  
  
'Everywhere' - not the version by Michelle, but the punk cover by Yellowcard - plays as we pan out of the room.  
  
ROLL CREDITS (as Everywhere continues)  
  
CAST  
  
Devon Sawa....................Alex Blah-ing  
  
Rachel Caris Thompson.........Herself  
  
Ali Larter....................Clear Beavers  
  
Kerr Smith....................Carter McJackass  
  
Bree Mantha...................Herself  
  
Tina Whoever..................Herself  
  
Jackie Whoever................Herself  
  
Kylah Eide....................Herself  
  
Seann William Scott...........Billy Hitchcockless  
  
Tony Todd.....................William Bludworth  
  
Kristen Cloke.................Ms. Valerie Lewton  
  
Chad E. Donnella..............Tod Wanker  
  
Daniel Roebuck................Agent Weiner  
  
Roger Guvener Smith...........Agent Shrek the Oger  
  
Amanda Detmer.................Terry Chaney  
  
Keegan Connor Tracy...........Kat  
  
Lisa Marie Caruk..............Christa Marsh  
  
Christine Chatelain...........Blake Dreyer  
  
Brendan Fehr..................George Wanker  
  
A.J. Cook.....................Chimberly (voice)  
  
Michael Landes................Officer Irritating  
  
Kathy Najimay.................Ms. Lewton's Fat Friend  
  
Michelle Branch...............Herself  
  
Kelsey Eide...................Herself/The Potted Tree  
  
Deven Kivioja.................Himself/The Podium  
  
Daveigh Chase.................Samara  
  
Northern Lights Dance Team....Chicago Dancers  
  
Andrew Dan Jumbo..............Himself  
  
Leslie Segretti...............Herself  
  
DEDICATED TO SHAMU, BECAUSE SHAMU IS TALL.  
  
Fade out music  
  
CUT THROUGH HALF SCREEN while credits still roll.  
  
Alex sits in a desk chair. He wheels his chair over to the VCR, snickers mischeviously, and removes the tape of 'Girls Gone Wild.' He pops it in the VCR.  
  
We hear a strange humming noise. PAN AROUND.  
  
It's the video from 'The Ring.'  
  
ALEX: What the fuck?  
  
BACK TO CREDITS  
  
(FX)Phone Rings  
  
This time, 'Makes No Difference' by Sum41 plays.  
  
SOUNDTRACK LISTING  
  
"The Hard Way"  
  
Main Titles  
  
Performed by BOWLING FOR SOUP  
  
~  
  
"Find Your Way Back"  
  
Bree's discman music  
  
Performed by MICHELLE BRANCH  
  
~  
  
"Rabbit Run"  
  
Rachel's discman music  
  
Performed by EMINEM  
  
~  
  
"The Look of Love"  
  
Scene: 'The Midnight Snack.'  
  
Performed by DIANA KRALL  
  
~  
  
"The Odd Couple" Theme  
  
Rachel/Clear montage  
  
Performed by NO ONE IN PARTICULAR  
  
~  
  
"Waterloo"  
  
Rachel's brief 'missing days' thoughts  
  
Performed by ABBA  
  
~  
  
"Hundred Grand"  
  
Memorial song  
  
Performed by PETE ATHERTON  
  
~  
  
"Insence and Peppermints"  
  
Scene: 'Magic Purse'  
  
Performed by STRAWBERRY ALARM CLOCK  
  
~  
  
"Time"  
  
Kylah and Deven's song  
  
Performed by CHANTEL KREVIAZUK  
  
~  
  
"Bad Reputation"  
  
Scene: 'Clear's Angry Painting'  
  
Performed by JOAN JETT  
  
~  
  
"And All That Jazz"  
  
Scene: 'Jackie Gets Her Musical'  
  
Performed by KYLAH EIDE  
  
~  
  
"Let's Get It On"  
  
Scene: 'Stoned Morgue'  
  
Performed by MARVIN GAYE  
  
~  
  
"La Grange"  
  
Scene: 'The Rules'  
  
Performed by ZZTOP  
  
~  
  
"All The Candles In The World"  
  
Car song  
  
Performed by JANE SIBBERY  
  
~  
  
"Cannonball"  
  
The tree song  
  
Performed by THE BREEDERS  
  
~  
  
"Juicy Fruit"  
  
Scene: 'The Cabin'  
  
Performed by KYLAH EIDE  
  
~  
  
"The Art Of Losing"  
  
Gun montage  
  
Performed by AMERICAN HI-FI  
  
~  
  
"Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous"  
  
Scene: 'Get These Mofos Home'  
  
Performed by GOOD CHARLOTTE  
  
~  
  
"American Pie"  
  
Outro  
  
Performed by DON MACLEAN  
  
~  
  
"Everywhere"  
  
Credits #1  
  
Performed by YELLOWCARD  
  
~  
  
"Makes No Difference"  
  
Credits #2  
  
Performed by SUM41  
  
~~~  
  
The author grately acknowleges the hardworking employees of the Wal-Mart corporation, especially my dear brother, Andrew.  
  
Your suffering fueled most of the humor in the story.  
  
SPECIAL THANKS TO  
  
277  
  
HAWK  
  
SPARKY  
  
SPECIAL K  
  
KELSEY AND DEVEN  
  
DAILYSCRIPTS.COM for the FD script  
  
SPECIAL FEATURE  
  
Since Hawk did her 100 reasons why she hates Clear, I decided to do 25 reasons why I love Billy(it would have been more had he gotten more airtime).  
  
1. When he smiles you can see all of his teeth.  
  
2. His teeth are all all straight.  
  
3. Despite his baggy clothing, he's really built.  
  
4. I like his Hitchcock jersey.  
  
5. He has TWO hats, one white, one dark blue. Now THAT'S preparing.  
  
6. His bike rocks!  
  
7. He says 'Dude' when he doesn't know what to say. I say dude!  
  
8. He's a gentleman for 'not feeling up Tammy in the pool that time.'  
  
9. He likes the Jets. Cool!  
  
10. HE opened the door of the car, which got Alex and Clear out of the train's path of destruction. So he's a hero!  
  
11. His death, despite being unfair, revealled the biggest step in Alex's plan.  
  
12. He believed Alex.  
  
13. He didn't treat Alex like a freak.  
  
14. He loves his mommy.  
  
15. I like the underdogs.  
  
16. At the end, it was unfair that no one toasted him. I felt uber sorry for him.  
  
17. He lipsincs along to Nine Inch Nails. Power to him!  
  
18. After Final Destination Seann William Scott was seen in 'Dude, Where's My Car,' 'Road Trip,' 'Evolution,' 'American Pie 2,' 'Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back,' 'Stark Raving Mad,' 'Old School,' 'Bulletproof Monk,' 'American Wedding,' and 'The Rundown.' Kerr Smith has only been seen in 3 movies and Dawson is now off the air.  
  
19. He had the most facial hair of all the survivors (with the exception of Clear)  
  
20. He was voted 'Favourite Character' on a fan site.  
  
21. He was voted 'Funniest Character' on a fan site.  
  
22. On Toby Holt's shrine the majority of poll takers thought he should have lived.  
  
23. He isn't afraid to stand up to Carter.  
  
24. He tried to take the wheel from Carter and save everyone when Carter was driving like a maniac.  
  
25. Everyone loves the quote "CARTER YOU DICK!" 


End file.
